This life is amazingly complicated and quite unabashedly grand in it's multi-faceted terrains of experience. Just as I was beginning to see some light at the end of the tunnel I had forged for myself - letting the ex-spouse narcissist/psychopath and his clan forever exhibiting their black hole of never-ending needs sap my entire portfolio of financial assets - my old car died. My niche of office cleaning with a leaning toward special attention to equipment in a variety of office fields, is just beginning to offer a glimmer of growth.
Looking at life in my "later chapters," I felt weary. The trek through the bowels of the Twilight Zone in my last marriage in which I was used, devalued, and so easily discarded once my funds and usefulness as a hired hand and care provider had evaporated, had deposited me within the grasp of a crisis of faith. I have been groping my way forward and this deletion of a vehicle from my present-day grab bag of dealings rumbled the reminder of those devastatingly fearful feelings of violation of trust. Now, I faced my own thoughts of being alone in this predicament. My youngest daughter and her fiance loaned me their truck, having the fiance use his motorcycle to generously share their second automobile with me. And my oldest daughter compiled her Christmas money to be on-the-ready to aid me. I still have the legwork to perform, but there is an air of generosity and warmth. God and the Universe still know I'm here.
The calendar has marked two years away from the constantly overwhelming chaos of changing persona of the psychopath, the tag-team neediness of the invalid mother, ailing father, always present first wife, alcoholic adult son, first wife's drugged-out and alcoholic sister forever sexually in competition with her sibling, aunts who attempted to push me into becoming a live-in care provider for the mother...and the starkly conflicting upbeat expectations I held when entering the marriage. Forging ahead, I find my courage in strange places, and a collage of ever expansive optimistic expectation of living in the time spent with my delightfully individualistic grandsons.
What does this living in the Now for me look like? My 7 year old grandson wanted to go on the Y's indoor contortionist death slide into the pool while his younger brother (too young to ride the water slide) waited below...but he wanted me to go with him. If anyone else other than grandchildren had asked me to take the trek, I might easily have declined. Once at the top of the stairs, he asked me to go first...so I with my round and aged body grabbed the bar, stepped to the edge of the multiple switch-backed slide and just as I was going to let go gracefully - WHOOOOSH! Slick as greased lightning...I went from a sitting position to a flat on my back luge-run reminiscent of an experience with baby oil in the shower. I think I broke "Mach 1" within two meters of the bottom...and I can only imagine the sheer and stark terror on my face as I slam-dunked into the 4 feet of water at the bottom. I was never so glad to see the splashing water lapping the edge of the bottom area of the slide. I didn't black out from G-force, but neither did I breathe. My grandson went another 16 times with me waiting to catch him in the water...moving farther from the end to let him savor his run each time. Balancing the thrills, my youngest grandson explored the deep end of the poor with his snorkel, jumping to me from the rim to add some zest. At my point in life now, THIS is my "living in the moment" with two amazing grandsons that think ol' grandma is pretty spiffy in her reliability as they taste life.
Renewal of heart and spirit can also be exemplified by the movie, "Galaxy Quest," a favorite of mine. It's a spoof of the terrific series, "Star Trek," and the behind-the-scenes' drama with the personalities of the actors, all seeking to find a specialized arena of success, some acclaim, and personal expression and fulfillment. It's very much a reflection of life and coming to validate the idea that we are not alone and disconnected. We find ourselves in high and lower level drama, emotional turmoils and joyful exuberance, favorable outcomes in specific endeavors, and for me, a coherence of continuity in the flows of energy in this duration of human consciousness. As the actors playing the crew of the Galaxy Quest bash each other over ego and the praise of fans, they also rally to "fight the good fight" and in doing so become astutely aware of the unique attributes of each of them as valuable individuals. The story is one of marvelous redemption of the egotistical lead actor portraying Captain Jason Nesmith, and the powerful camaraderie that ripples from the causal and dynamic change in awakening to more than self.
So, I find myself here, too. Letting go of old hurts and fears. Rushing down the water slide with heart racing and partaking of the fabulous successes of my grandsons...now and tomorrow and all the tiers above and below. As Jason Nesmith says, "<with> this fine ship and this fine crew...never give up...and never surrender."
"Never give up and never surrender!"
ReplyDeleteGreat words of strength from one of my favorites, too, but I never thought of how appropriately we can apply them to our trials in this vale of tears!
Just the kick I needed to get this day and week off into the future,bright though it may be,(please God),the past will not hold us back, but enrich us...
By Grabthar's Hammer, we live to tell the tale!