Facebook proved a doorway to sharing my upheaval when I found myself deep in the stark abyss of confusion in the aftermath of a narcissist/psychopath and extended family. Much of the hopeful expectation that returned to me came on the heels of voicing descriptions of my encounter with these vapid sycophants - doing so on open forums proved a test of faith in my own strength of determination and served to validate this excursion as mine. Tumultuous difficulties introduced me to myself once again, but it was the acceptance of making these choices on my own that offered a proprietary air to the mix. In using the social medium to frankly expose sectors of my life in an undisguised method without subterfuge, I had the opportunity to face fear on several levels. Beyond what others thought of me, I discovered that I chose the tone of my writings - how to respond to less than supportive rebuttals on my contributed selections and to accept agreement with a humble touch.
In the course of my treks into an individualized choreography of this flowing existence, I have begun to seek my purpose once more. There are those who posture and present personas as they struggle to comprehend the inscrutable fallout from picking a door on this unusual game show of life. The upset may settle in the fastidious hope while turning the knob and then soon recognizing that the entryway held specters and goblins.
I find that I robustly desire to nurture a resonating spirit of being worthy. I choose to be a better becoming self. That doesn't mean that the "keys to the Kingdom" fall gently into my waiting hands. Working in self-employment has brought me onto the shore of those who tend to take advantage. It's not always under the umbrella of conscious knowledge for those who desire to wring that last inch from a generous offer. How much responsibility sits on our shoulders? I am not the same person I once was before time with that clan of ever-draining black hole of needs. Responding with "no" can be processed with a bit of kindness and even class.
And that quality of integrity is my goal for myself. William Foster reflects quite aptly on this, "Quality is never an accident; it is always the result of high intention, sincere effort, intelligent direction and skillful execution; it represents the wise choice of many alternatives." This relationship with self is a remarkable entity in its own right. Although we are each more than the accumulation of our assets, traits of character, and choices, this crucible of living pushes us to desire a sounder mix along with more than a whisper of intuitive link to the ether beyond ourselves.
What I am finding to be true is the incorporation of energies from others in our sphere shades the functionality of the crucible. To be valuable, the vessel must be melt-proof and the high temperature chemical reactions of difficult trials within the container cannot alter the core structure. There is not a point of no-return for the spirit of us. However, choice of direction will occur from a self-determined platform or by default. I choose sovereignty over my own lines in this high adventure dramatic work.
I think we are all children in this quest for expression of beingness. Erma Bombeck sums life so very well: "All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them."
You always have the best Erma Bombeck quotes! I am encouraged by your words of realizing your sense of 'self'. The struggle to be pleasing and appreciated need not be an emptying of one's soul or allowing the sense of one's self to be lost.I, too, have struggled with this mid-ground. We should follow:"This above all,to thine own self be true", as Shakespeare admonishes to this day. You have so much to offer all around you, if you lose your sense of 'self', you are cheating not only yourself , but those around you, as you are lessened.
ReplyDeleteKeep up the good work!