"If" ~ Rudyard Kipling

What happens when a person recognizes that we in this reality are NOT the same?  In my time with a psychopath and his oddball clan, I was hurt, wounded, frightened by my inability to understand the unfolding schematic of living, and shaken to the core of my belief systems.  Nothing I "knew" and practiced, worked with the setup.

 

Everything that I shared as a part of a soul which I felt to be generous and nurturing was tilted on it's side and it was as if I had been living in a bubble of protection until this time frame.  Many will find my paths of inquiry now to be unsettling and I may even face some denigration for delving into ideas that others feel fervently oppose the depth of humanity.  But, the bits and pieces of evaluation find their way to my doorstep of awareness and I am now ready to take a closer look.

 

I have never been much of a "joiner" because I found that I simply couldn't accept the totality of data provided by various groups, even religious ones.  There are touches of amazing "truth" in so many practices and studies.  So, just how does one "find a home"?  I suspect there is no such thing EXCEPT within our own beings. 

 

My family, including many on extended levels, was deeply involved with Hubbard's teachings in my youth, but there were also blatant upsets from the experiences of those departing the organization.  What happened from the time that information was offered and disseminated to the point-of-no return for many who departed that belief system?  I have the gut feeling this precipitate turned on the very point of this study: to teach one NOT to be a blind follower.   

 

Looking back to my romantic zest for finding "Mr. Right," I sought more than just that connection.  I hoped to find a special niche and to effectively "belong."  I did not succeed.  Perhaps THAT is the inscrutable test.  If as in the short story, "The Turn of the Lathe," by Ursula LeGuinn, we are our sole creators, then just what is it that we seek?  Are these pains to connect part of the memory of what we truly are?

 

I can comprehend those who suspect "Illuminati" contributions to this realm of life.  Whatever avenues of mysterious endeavor may open themselves, ultimately, how are we to live in this here and now...and why would it matter?  The cute movie, "Groundhog day," shows one man's choices and effects when "there is no tomorrow" and there appears no consequence for actions taken.  But there ARE important intents and repercussions to the use of personal power. 

I'd like to have a clear cut pathway and plotted course to offer not only myself, but others.  I just don't feel it works that way.  There are no simple and clearly excavated passageways.  Life for those who are more than flesh and bone requires risk and bringing all the spirituality of beingness to bear.  Peril exists and I am reminded of Carl Sagan's thoughts that we might not wish to meet the aliens to whom we send our welcome to Earth messages.  Maybe naivety is the necessary ingredient for the explorer in us.  In the journeys of discovery we must always be accountable to that unique gift combination of ethics, integrity, and honor. 

My search from my present platform will be different than the one I find farther down the road.  Who will I be?  Something inside me underscores that the pathway is essential.  I think Rudyard Kipling says it well:  "IF"...

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

"At the Touch of Love, Everyone becomes a Poet" ~ Plato

My cousin writes and is part of a blog, http://fourfoxesonehound.wordpress.com/.  We have shared thoughts, our treks with self-education and choice, and we have remained friends with our differing styles and perspectives.  As I look back over the last two years, being "set free" by the psychopathic ex-spouse and his clan with their never ending black hole of needs and financial crises when my usefulness ended, I see that I really "have come a long way, Baby."

 

Just why DO I write?  Part of the reason is to share my journey - a bit of altruism?  yes, but also to "air my side" of the recovery process.  And then, there exists that marvelous gift of journaling: to become clearer on beliefs, experiences, and who I have become over time.  A touch of awareness gently breezed past me when my youngest grandson of six told me of a dilemma he found in his life.  His single mom's boyfriend had given him a bike that the boyfriend's son had outgrown and it is a HONEY - camouflage green with "cool handlebars" and I can see his mind of imagination churning as he rides it, meshing his present moment with the colors and grand adventures of the resourceful mental images which he blends with his feelings of daring-do.

 

The difficult decision?  I had also given him a racer's bike with blazing orange wheel rims and refitted to update with safety items such as new handle grips, petal pads, and tires.  He thought that the gentleman told him he needed to have only one bicycle at his apartment and that the fellow would take the camouflage bike back to his place.  My remarkably wonderful grandson looked at me with big brown eyes as I imagine King Solomon must have faced in the past .  The first emotion that bubbled up was one of a territorial sense of indignation.  The next was anger that a "gift" had strings attached.  My hackles shot into high gear and the battle gear automatically unfolded, as if I were some amazing super-heroine of film fame. 

And, finally, I looked at that magnificent presence who felt comfortable enough to share his concerns with Grandma. 

 

Whatever the gentleman had actually told my grandson and his thoughts and intentions, I cared about my young person's development, his heart and soul, and his integrity in dealing with this old world.  Of course I assured him he could keep the "orange avenger" at my house.  And then ushered him along with his older brother to the glorious speeds and worlds of enchantment as they rode down the way, smiling with eyes shining and seeking the newest childhood exploits.

 

It occurred to me as I thought about this later that there exists a difference between "being OK with a situation" and "allowing the situation to be as it is", whatever that might be.  What in the world does that mean?  If one can accept that something is "as it is," choice remains viable.  You don't have to like or agree with it and that problematic picture may just not suit or sit well.  But, if one can let go of the burning desire to "make it better or correct" by some method, then, you really do have a direction for reason.  The situation loses its power to affect your emotional state and whatever decisions evolve from the encounter, the status of that prick to personal ego was but a moment in time.  Ah, wisdom...where were you when I was in the depths of self-doubt and heartache?  I agree with Robert Frost's quote," I'm against a homogenized society, because I want the cream to rise."

 

Possibilities and Accountability

I have been fascinated by the Katie Holmes/Tom Cruse divorce developments and the connection to Scientology.  My close family members were once keenly involved in the technology and rising on "the bridge" of this looking glass thread of reality creation.  Although some became power mongers and slid past the idea of the dynamics of connectivity and responsibility, believing that their superiority altered personal ethics and permitted them to abuse relationships, others remained faithful - quietly so - to the tech, itself.  I remember the definitive lines of ostracization with the "wog" world because those of us "lesser beings" were not of the same caliber.  Nonetheless, I found and still find amazing cognizance, skill, and power within the teachings of dealing with this world and its many presences.  The communication techniques alone stood me in terrific stead UNTIL I ran into a psychopath and his oddball clan.  In truth, even during this period, the methods were valid - especially the "choice to communicate or not."  Unfortunately, I became stuck in the need to "right the scenario" and have a "happily ever after" ending.

 

The great gurus of "what if" in the 40' to 50's - Napoleon Hill, Emmet Fox, Norman Vincent Peale,  Ernest Holmes, Claude Bristol, and numerous sci-fi authors - have touched my being and offered doorways for comprehension of others, but most auspiciously, of myself.  Jim Channon of the First Earth Battalion was the core of the movie, "Men Who Stare at Goats."  There are so many portals of "just maybe" that we fail to understand.   Somehow much revolves around a huge overview and self-introspection of the rightness of actions and the ripples of those choices.

 

My daughter posted photos of my family on an adventure to a ghost town yesterday.  I looked at my pictures showing wrinkles, lumps, bumps, sags, and antiquity and was at first surprised.  Just as in the movie, "The Mirror Has Two Faces," Lauren Bacall's character says, " I look in the mirror and I'm old...but I feel young...like a kid," I can say that I share that sentiment.  One of the techniques from Scientology is to peer into a mirror, blinking as infrequently as possible, and watch the changing faces of oneself.  Could it be one's familial lineage?  Maybe.  Could it be oneself through the dimensions of time? Perhaps.  But I am always astutely aware of the eyes.  And this is now, more than ever, the way I see myself in "life in the aftermath of a narcissist."  I am changed.  I have reclaimed many of my old - no matter how oddball others may declare these - ideas.  

 

MOST importantly, the fear of separation and not being understood or found within company of agreement has dissipated.  My beliefs hold validity for me.  And along with this freedom has arrived a kindness in allowing others their choice of beliefs.  I still have no blanket answers for this world of reality, but my appreciation for the splendor has sky rocketed.

 

Many share terrible tales of abusive situations for the soul in their dealings with Scientology, some within my own family.  Others remain faithful to the technologies.  Some, of course, have joined the ranks of the "priviledged" and find that we who struggle and work on our place in the scheme of things may not be deemed worthy.  I find myself kinder, less afraid, and more strongly steadfast in my belief systems.  I have a feeling that ultimately, this may be the entire purpose of lifetime or times.  

 

Having survived the ordeal of a psychopath, the trek through the bowels of the "Twilight Zone" where nothing fit the parameters of my selfhood and ideals, and a coming to be OK with me even if I discover myself island-locked, I am reminded of Ursula le Guin's "Turn of the Lathe."  No matter where we locate ouselves on the growth spectrum, we have the option of evaluation, cognition, emotion, decisions, and awareness that our control is of ourselves.  The slippery slope involves others, but the best of us in humanity can be accountable while allowing others their creativity.  "It is good to have an end to journey toward, but it is the journey that matters in the end" (Ursula le Guin).  

Freedom, history, and ethics...

Coming through this period of life where I found myself immersed in my trials and tribulations within the experience with a psychopath and his oddball clan, I forgot to recognize this as a step in growth.  I just read Bill Harris' Thresholds of the Mind.  I am 59 and have some awareness of Scientology and the thought-gurus of the '50's.  I found the book most interesting and written in a down-to-earth style.  It struck me as very similar to much of Hubbard's works.

I find myself in a new stage of awareness of myself as I continue my journey into tomorrow.  Meditation has long been practiced and urged by spiritual teachers, writers, and those seeking inner peace.  I can't help but wonder, being a science fiction appreciator, if  that is not our path in this evolutionary platform.  In the end of the original "Matrix" film, the protagonist Nero knows he can control much of his living experience, and yet, there comes a sequel.  Harris and other authors believe that upheaval is the signal for a readiness for growth, expansion of awareness, and new evaluations.  Although even Hubbard's techniques lend themselves to a connectivity to an energy band of more than this plane of experimentation, what if this "mystery" of attempting to master Fate by controlling emotions has us forever trying to "avoid" anguish.  And this very angst is the driving force for our undertaking of the set of unfolding circumstances leading to modifications and distinguishable differences in our development.

With all the writers of this period in our history, there appears a strong undercurrent of the cognizance of social dynamics, personal responsibility, and an ethical framework that signals a direction away from the lower divisions of taxonomic kingdoms.  Howard Bloom speculates in his book, Global Brain, that man and the bacterial kingdom vie for dominance on  planet Earth.  If mass-mind and cohesion in the form of love bring the sensation of jurisdiction, just what are we as individuals?

It falls within my belief system that we - individuals - forge pathways for acknowledgment of achievement in the same vein as time is compartmentalized by us on this physical plane.  We need to mark the flow of our coming-to-know.  And just perhpas THIS IS the point of it all.  Bloom in his work, The Lucifer Principle suggests a new way to look at sociology. 

In my contact with psychopathy, I have, also - like Bloom,  felt that evil may be intrinsically set within the formative structures of humanity.  The essential character of an indivisible entity may mirror a god-like presence of compassion and desire for expanding expression of creativity or it may pull inward the boundaries of the significance of symbols of communication.  The lovely children's movie, "The Never Ending Story" explores the idea of evil being the cessation of imagination and halting the supplement of a forever moving "more."

As I work my way into deciphering my personal path, I discover that this life must be more than simple attainment of food, clothing, and shelter.  But, it must also be more than settling into a comfortable cushion of philosophy.  The cutting edge of LIFE, in capital letters, is boldness of conception AND execution.  Still, the magnanimity must include personal ethics.  I believe we strive for a distinction of excellence.  History must be taken into account as one charts a forward path.  Perhaps that's why journaling serves such a wonderful purpose: it's history's first draft.  Winston Churchhill may have touched a chord of truth: "For my part, I consider that it will be found much better by all parties to leave the past to history, especially as I propose to write that history myself."

Letting Go of the Attachment to the Outcome

Revolutioniz.com likes to say that shaking life up a bit with new paradigms of thought tends to open doorways to a touch of chaos as one begins the trek.  I'd have to add an "amen" to this one.  I suddenly and quietly came to an awareness - or rather, had one gently wash over me:  Letting go of the "attachment to the outcome" brings amazing freedom and allows one (me!) to stretch my boundaries of "what if's."  The insane asylum of my past marriage with a narcissist/psychopath and his oddly highlighting clan, will be a part of my life and thinking patterns - and this is actually a good point of reality.  It mandates a little clarity be undertaken regarding belief in choice, responsibility, accountability, and the freedom to start, stop, and change (Hubbard). 

Time is such a fascinating tool.  However we accept the premise of this compartmentalized aspect of creativity, whether "it" exists or serves only to illustrate and measure change, some formatting of this concept is required to witness the expression of altered living energy from the idea state to the physical playing field.  As I am becoming clearer on my own deliberations about belief and power in the process of innovative imagination that we call "life," I recognize amazing energy.  I'd like to smile boldly and state that I "get it."  Unfortunately, I don't grasp the formula and schematics totally; however, I do feel the power and sense the accumulated possibilities that are so close and yet, remain just beyond reach. 

In my own experiences, Time appears to need mindful lucency and almost two-weeks to bring a wish to fruition on this plane of reality.  Maybe this is a type of sieve and filtering system to allow each of us to evaluate our choices before they manifest.  As my personal development continues in the aftermath of the upsetting awakening to the portrait of my life journey with many a bump along the way, I recently had my laptop fail to return from the land of black screen death, my antiquated pc tower valiantly attempt to reboot all to naught, and my ancient automobile simply stopped, as if to say, that's all there is.  I might have collapsed into a puddle of angst, fear, and utter frustration, but I didn't - there was a momentary flash of fear...but then there was "thought." 

The help of my daughters, son-in-law, and tremendous generosity of my brother and his wife flew in as some invisible super heroes to offer aid.  These people opened their hearts, wallets, use of vehicles, and compassion - without maudlin sympathy.  Suddenly I experienced a wave of the sense that I was not only "worthy" and valuable in my meager way, but that I had touched the template of something grand and astonishing.  Emotions - so many in the lower ranges of my experience within the Stockholm syndrome of my marriage and feelings of utter loss, apprehension, and alarm that my beliefs may not have been valid - seem to serve as a tether to particular states of being and the stronger the band of feeling, the tighter the chord binds one to that place and state.

In an episode of an old "Star Trek," Spock, Capt. Kirk, and some other comrades were trapped in an energy field.  Spock who could dampen the projected expanse of his energies (especially fear in the fight-or-flight mode), was the one to decrease the intensity of the prison's dynamic power fluctuations and pass through the barrier to freedom.  Looking at Vedic philosophy, there always exists choice of pathway.  If I understand the knowledge of this terrain, repercussions don't really exist when one is "on the path of enlightenment."  The struggles and points of "re-do" occur only when ego and emotional attachment take place.

Oddly, the wisdom remains freely available, but the student graps it only when he is ready to release old ideas of self and "shoulds."  Gratitude accompanies me along my own walk today.  Melodie Beattie states it so well: "Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life.  It turns what we have into enough, and more.  It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity.  it can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.  Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."