"Every mind must make its choice between truth and repose. It cannot have both." (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

I've noticed a "growing out of ideas" lately and it indicates, I'm quite sure, a new phase of personal growth and accountability.  Sometimes this mandates a "changing of the guard" in dealing with connections to others and situations.  With all our teachings regarding kindness and compassion toward others, it feels as if we might be working at cross purposes to let certain folks and choices of circumstances move to a distance.

However, energy of a mental and spiritual level needs to experience an unfettered state.  The choices of ideas and emotions are self-fulfilling when talking about manifesting a particular path in this lifetime.  With my "life in the aftermath" of a narcissist/psychopath, I've taken stock of myself - my actions, my in-actions, the direction I wish to travel in my life now, and the emotions I wish to experience on a regular basis.

Life has her ups and downs and no one genuinely wishes to spend every moment in serenity, but there is a place within the mind and heart that decides - at some point - that this life means something.  Something more than constant melodrama...that it can be remarkable on whatever level of staging that might present.  That uncommon production played for no desire of public notice, but a tether to the inner landscape of ethical presence.  And, this is choice.

Choice, itself is the selection of the awareness of a path.  It may not be the ability to buy the ticket to that departing train at that very instant, and yet, this determination has already shifted viewpoints.  With choice we head into the realm of "what if."  In this frame of reality, we as people seem to look at "investigative evaluation" as mandating communication with others and cultivated connections from like-minded folks as an affirmation of agreement.  We don't really need that agreement.  

There are dynamics at play and when we intuitively follow the course which leads to the higher ground of decency, we find that life looks better... it actually IS better for ourselves and those in connection to us...as ripples in a pond moving outward.  We touch those in our immediate vicinity...social groups...and humanity....and just maybe we move  into an effect on a wholeness of permeating energy.

This letting go is difficult.  Growth isn't something one drifts into, it requires courage of spirit.  "It's no longer a question of staying healthy.  It's a question of finding a sickness you like."  (Jackie Mason)  - With a grin I say, life's a lot like that!  I'm working on my Now.

Interview with The Devil

I just read the latest publication of Napoleon Hill that was set aside over 80 years ago, Outwitting the Devil, the Secret to Freedom and Success.  In the two years following my trek into the “bowels of the Twilight Zone,”  I sank into the quicksand of a self-sustaining process with a narcissist/psychopath and his clan.  I found myself buoyed in a current of some strange delusion of life and hoping that somehow I could be saved.  I had no idea where or how that might arise as an agonizing crisis of faith had thrown a veil of unhappiness over me.

As described in Hill’s book, I had “drifted away from self-determinism without purpose or a plan...this was procrastination” as I put reaching definite decisions on a back burner.   Fear is an awesome presence.  We pretend it has no influence over our thought patterns but we carry the stressful worry of criticism...that we might have failed, that we were not and may not be up to the task of creating a positive and happy life, and that we are somehow less than we hoped.

The book, Outwitting the Devil , states so powerfully that “drifters of thought and thinking patterns cry that the world has run dry of opportunities, but non-drifters do not wait for opportunity - they create these.”  Within the pages of the book, an interview between the author and the Devil is taking place.  It’s reminiscent of C.S. Lewis’ The Screwtape Letters.    The Devil’s  great concern is that real thinkers may appear on earth... and they would share with others the “greatest of all truths - that the time spent fearing something would, if reversed, give mankind  all he wants in the material world and save him after death.”  The problem exists as more than choice of thoughts.  One must be repetitive to the point of establishing an ongoing rhythm that flows without effort.  This rhythm is the “last stage of habit.”  Drifting and procrastination are the same practical knowledge.  Hypnotic rhythm makes dominating thoughts AND thinking patterns permanent.

So, during these two years away from the insanity that had become "home," I have been floundering a bit, but also climbing forward.  To think my own thoughts...to be a Don Quixote for my own beliefs...to make decisions and accept the consequences along with awareness of involved dynamics and effects upon others, to risk applying different techniques, and to decrease my need for the approval of others.  This isn't to say that I no longer find camaraderie of like minded souls important, but I can keep my own counsel  and engage in reflective contemplation with a sense of something greater than the smaller me.

Each person, to live with purpose, must intend to awaken to his own power of determinism -  cause and effect.   The goal that guides the action must also be accompanied by a sense of ethical responsibility.  Discernment is part of this knowledge with judgment.  So, Hill’s phrase “how to fail successfully” makes a great deal of sense.  We can learn from adversity.   There is a difference between temporary defeat and failure.  To work the system of creative energy, one needs passion, talent, high level associations, choosing to take right actions, and faith.  Described as the “stronger sister of hope,” (Emmet Fox) faith is definiteness of deliberate aim backed by the belief in the accomplishment of the objective.

And yet, we humans require a payment to ourselves and that comes in the form of happiness.  Because there are exchanges in this energy-web of living, one of the best ways to discover personal joy is to find a service to provide.  There is a harmony that evolves from developing a purpose in one’s own mental, spiritual, and physical landscape.  As you gain a discipline over yourself, thoughts, controlling influences,  and awareness of repercussions, one feels a unique power of connectedness.  Napoleon Hill used a Mastermind group of admired people throughout history to serve on his “Roundtable” as he imagined their responses, actions, and teaching guidance when mulling ideas and plans.  The secret is to grow an understanding heart and rebirth or rebuilding of character as we move into a reality of our choosing.  Time is necessary in the sense that habitual connection to life's energies of decency help channel our own growth.  Challenges will arise, but if we have become advocates for our own self-hood and establish a set of principles for our ideas of right conduct, we can each feel the exhilaration of choice, knowing there is more than the individual "I."  When the student is ready...

A Whack on the Head (...yes, like Roger von Oech's book)

It has been two years since the man I married, now my ex-spouse - quite unceremoniously dumped me.  Married for three years plus some time before "the event" of dis-valued discarding, I played a martyr in the hope that I could attain his love and that of his family using that role.

I believe my ex to be a narcissist/psychopath...somewhere on the continuum between the two descriptions.  Allowing myself to be used and manipulated and pretty much "left for dead" was a devastating experience with catastrophic financial overtones.  BUT I did survive.  I have survived...am surviving...AND MORE.  I am rejoining the land of living and refocused choice.

This has proven a tough and anguish-filled road to travel with charred and barren landscape of my hopes and dreams as I entered the marriage at the ripe old age of 54.  I use the colorful adjectives to let you know the depth of upset into which I catapulted.  Life in the clan became a prison of sorts in the fashion of relationship Stockholm Syndrome and although I could not comprehend my part in the grand performance at the time, I did make choices - thinking I'd win "my love" and the appreciation of all.

Smiling kindly as I look at that, I can see that my choices and plans weren't evil, but surely were not beneficial for me and my own needs.  I required these two years to replay the sadness and disillusionment and to pull every ounce of emotional angst out of the production within my memory.  Time is to me, the GREAT Healer.  And now I look at the passage of days, months, and years with energy directed toward a future on this timeline.


If Lynne McTaggart is correct with her book, The Field, altering the past exists as a possibility.  Perhaps not the events themselves, but the affective viewpoints of consciousness.  When the stinging blast of heartache begins to fade and life can once again bring us 360 degrees into our next leg of the journey, how much do we need to "remember" and offer discourse for the "education " of others?  I feel that's entirely an individual's call.  For me, the past serves as an incorporation of the present me...in a line from the Star Trek movie, "The Final Frontier," Captain Kirk tells Spock's brother not to remove his memories of pain - "they made me who I am today."

Whether people believe that the oddity and alien presence of psychopaths is a psychological disorder or a human evolutionary deviation, we who are of the "believers" in emotional energy and the "light" of awareness will right ourselves.  This journey of ours offers the unique characteristic of hopeful expectation and creativity on our own easels of living.  We can lend a hand to others along the path and still move forward.  Camaraderie offers many new colors for an individual's palette.

I like Nassim Haramein's idea that the blueprint for our reality is written in 2-D format on the exterior of a sphere and our experiences of this plane are the 3-D hologram within the bulb.  We have fleshed the map of instructional guide and given it flavor and meaning.  So, even if there is nothing beyond this Now, we make a difference - that in itself adds a new spherical dimension as we work on our personal existences, permitting us to create our own spherical realities.

For my present moment, I have found the brain layout viewed in scans of the frontotemporal region to be indicative of "humanity's best" referencing of soul and emotion.  I was working on a cabinet and whacked my head in that very area.  Life is going better.  Is there a connection?  For whatever reason along this highway of time in healing, I am once more enjoying the trip.  Everyday ups and downs, awareness of the high's as well as tragedies, and a connection to something wondrous makes me feel that "who is doing the viewing" and I are once again riding the current together.  It was tough to let go (Jonathan Livingston Seagull)...even of the jarringly desolate landscape...and to flounder down the river of this rushing white-water current.  Now that I can breathe again and find ways to keep my head above the energy of this river, I can join the adventure.  "Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go." (T.S. Eliot)  I love Eliot...and I'm home within me.
   

Our own Ethernet "Cloud"

Finally having the gods of the internet smile - or, at least take pity - on me, I have my old 2003 Gateway tower computer up and running quite comfortably.  I became painfully aware that I must navigate with an appropriately sized anti-virus program AND that I most assuredly need to increase my computer's memory.

This seemed to equate well and even colorfully to my life experiences over the last few years as I lived with a narcissist/psychopath and his"nutter-clan"...and the years following, dealing with being rather gruffly discarded when my money and service-capabilities had evaporated.  Finding myself captivated by my pie-in-the-sky fairy tale - written within my own mind and dreams - of living with a larger family and extended clan, I let down my guard and allowed many a rogue program to enter my sphere of awareness and acceptance, shutting down my natural protective parameters.

Overrun with their black hole of needs, I seemed to believe this sharing of life's yolk was a sign of love and longevity.  That came from my floppy disk, "the fairy tale."  The anguish over having misjudged the menagerie of   characters within the play of my marriage shook me to the foundations of my personal comfort arenas and self-esteem.  I "froze" just as my old  computer did while downloading and installing incompatible software.

I had been cheerfully oh-so-optimistic before this trek into the ever shifting abyss of gas-lighting and drifting realities.  My spiritual side had been tethered to my idea of God and the Universe and I believed in "The Just World Hypothesis."  Life over my many decades had thrown a few hurdles and I had survived, returning to my state of being part of a greater whole...and content that life was moving along as it should.

Perhaps my wounds within this eerily odd excursion into the dark side of humanity - or some download of human genetics - arose from my own sense of loss of "the" illusion.  To many of us who have high levels of compassion and who partake in that grand Don Quixote quest for finding "true love," we thought this was "the IT" of programs.  Our Holy Grail of sorts.  When my own world fell apart literally, it was like watching the movie "2012."  Of course there was fear, but there was also such an amazing loneliness.  Goodness and ideals seemed to have been twisted and turned against me.  My finances had been devastated, my emotions battered by an unfathomable storm, and my soul savagely attacked.  Melodramatic?  Without question, but the emotional landscape with symphonic swells of theme music looked frighteningly bleak.

As the days turned into two years away from  the tornado of upheavals and chaos,  I found myself seeking  that link to God and the Universe.  I so understand my computer screen as it states, "check internet connectivity."  My faith had been shattered.  I was lost.  There were moments when I felt deeply and genuinely moved by the tales of Oneness delivered by another, but my own history of being in tune with this Creator fell into the background and I couldn't seem to muster those old feelings of joy and unity.

Aspirations and even gumption that had seen me through job searches and trials of my past couldn't find a foothold in the "me" of today.  I finally have accepted that the train wreck of that relationship - so different from any others - has left me injured, damaged, and recovering...but, I am recovering.

With all the cloud formats for ethernet use such as security systems and browsers, I am delighted when the "history" is renewed and I can find my way once again in the internet connections.  It's a fantastic filing system, but you just have to know the address for the storage.  I came across two books at the library that unexpectedly caught my attention, Every Day Deserves a Chance (Max Lucado) and Where Miracles Happen (Joan Anderson).  The stories within were filled with love and warmth and stamina.  That's what I had lost in my crisis of faith where I questioned the existence of God.  It suddenly occurred to me that I had "dumped" every time that kind of "feeling" touched me.  I had engaged filters and a stricter fire wall to keep the associations of sharing at an arm's length.  It seems that I chose to avoid possible pain rather than risk a grand adventure.  These two books Did reach me...and at that split second, I began to believe once again in a Universe that has great bounty.

The gateway of information and emotional connection changed from a trickle to a rushing stream as if I had finally decided to turn the faucet on full blast.  Well, maybe I'm not quite to "full blast," but it's a start.  And as with shared data and storage in internet "clouds," I have once again joined this old world and let much fear drop away.  No longer like Scarlet O'Hara in "Gone with the Wind," with her "I won't think about that today...I'll think about it tomorrow," I can SENSE that it really will be OK.  Let's see what's "around the River Bend." (Disney's "Pocahontas")

Teachers and Pupils are We

Yesterday I attended my grandsons' birthday party hosted at a bowling alley by my daughter, their mom.  Energy galore could have been the caption for the day.

As in life there may be bumps along the way.  Three of us adults - my daughter, her sister, and I -  handled the bowling event with the 5 and 6 year-olds, the refreshment and cake with drinks location, and the two girls who really didn't want to be present and kept trekking to the game machines.  Activities were moving forward swimmingly when a couple of points to be handled popped into reality.  Two youngsters showed who were invited by a well meaning classmate.  And the two girls who remained reluctant attendees told me they didn't want to be a part of it, parents having departed the scene.

As my daughter and I greeted the unexpected guests I handled the need for them to bring a parent or a note from the parent telling my daughter they could attend..."and it was so" (grin).  Within 15 seconds of lapsed attention on the part of us adults, the two "reluctant cousins" had toppled and gutted a Jerry's Kids candy machine.  Two very active little 5 year old boys had exuberantly entered the category for "how much candy from the felled machine can you shove into your pockets?"  My daughter, a great single mom, had a split second to make decisions which would involve the evolution of the party and its remaining 15 party-goers.  She decided to call the parents of the four "catalysts of anarchy" and have them taken home.

The two young followers were picked up by an embarrassed mom and were sorry...so was my daughter who felt compelled to follow through with the decision.  The two recalcitrant 6 year-olds, sitting repentantly at a table for the first time actually within our party group, were met by a barreling bull of a verbal grandmother who staged a fit of outrage that would have easily won an Academy nomination.  " My granddaughters would never have done such a thing.  No one is ever sent home from a birthday party.  It just isn't done!  You shouldn't host a party if you can't control the children."  Huffing away with the gifts brought, she promised the girls  a much better time at a local swimming resort.

My first thoughts were "how can we make this better without playing parent, after all it's only a couple of hours."  But as I thought of this scenario, two ideas came to me.  I had been such a grandma (hopefully not quite as colorfully aggressive) in my eager battles supporting my grandchildren - a heavy sigh of chagrin here.  The other mental process brought a memory of the phrase continually written and uttered by those dealing with the school systems: "where are the parents and training of skills and social acceptability?"

Accountability exists.  Yes, so does flexibility.  But just how does our culture develop into maturity if no guidelines are set?  Well, it doesn't...behaviors must be moderated because we share this social network together.  There was no small angst as my daughter made her decision: school connections, seeing the grandmother at her work and at school, how would she be perceived, how would the children departing and those staying respond, what effects would this have on her sons' party and afterward?

The time and ease of passing consideration with 20/20 hindsight would leave her wrestling with the concluding firmness.  As for the ongoing party, no one noticed and all had a ball.  The owner of the bowling alley helped clean up the mess and right the machine which required no damage payment.  The birthday celebration ended with happy faces and goodbyes.

I think about my excursion into the abyss of emotional upheaval with a narcissist/psychopath and his nutter clan and realize that I, too, finally made split-second decisions that would ultimately lead to my reinstatement among the land of the living.  Are choices easy just because they fall within parameters of appropriateness?  No...there may be fallout.  What was the intention of the determination?  Was it based on a value of ethical standards?

Finding one's connection to that inner being may take some time and no small effort, but the business of this life seems to revolve around the dynamics of a manner of existence, relationships, and the ripples in the pool that move ever outward.  So, this goes out most especially to the teachers - formal and otherwise - within our midst.  Thank you.  Thank you for attempting to see the big picture while working on life's little obstacles.  Thank you for standing fast in accordance with your ethical core.  Thank you for changing when necessary to accommodate the inclusion of new information and evaluations.  And with deep appreciation, I thank you for caring, feeling, and sharing the intended design of the best of yourselves.  "A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave."

  

Terminally on the Upswing (Betty LaLuna on facebook)

My charming friend on facebook put a great phrase together, "terminally on the upswing."  Coming from a Hell in the darkest quivering evolutionary quicksand of a narcissist/psychopath, many of us as survivors/targets (Thomas Sheridan) find that apathy tends to rein for some time after mental salvation.  That place on a rock just at the edge of this other-worldy landscape with bleak colors and fear tinged outlines, is but the first stage of ending the repetitive madness of "leaving the known."  It is so difficult to find the delightful push for enthusiasm.  I can understand my traveling journeyers in this excursion into Hades.  This has been a trap for me in so many ways.  I remember a terrific "X-files" where the two great main characters are overcome by a neurological chemical while the tree roots and fungi begin to "digest" them.  In their consciousnesses, they are connected and  recognize the peril.  So, they free themselves - or so they believe.

Oddities of "life" continue until one BELIEVES that they are now living in a self-promulgated fantasy - AND they are STILL caught and under ground.  They actually must have help from friends on the outside of this nether reality to make it back to our existence.

Betty LaLuna and her host of camaraderie are "friends."  As from the line in the movie "Random Hearts," (and I  paraphrase here) "Just friends?  We are surely friends.  And so much more - because of all we have experienced separately and together." And finding our way back!

This "return to the living" is a struggle.  I find I can rest in apathy for Long periods...much too long.  However, we reach out to each other...we fill the energy and humor in this connecting spiderweb of affinity and appreciation for the beings we are...survivors and however we move forward, there will ALWAYS be this link of gratitude.

Cowboys and Aliens

After caring for my grandsons this afternoon, I came home to watch the DVD, "Cowboys and Aliens."  Although not laced with the philosophy and belief systems of my favorite movie, "Star Wars," it did host some heavy-hitter actors.

I was reminded, as I watched the high action adventure tale, that we are the "heavy-hitter actors" in our own lives.  The story derived from a comic book deals with gold harvesting aliens who are scouting Earth for her minerals and abducting the citizens to learn of weaknesses within our species.  Some gore rises to wring the emotions and the aliens are just plain ugly, non-human, razor-sharp toothed and somewhat faceless gargantuan creatures with no compassion for the life forms on this planet.

Warring parties of the savage West made of renegades, tyrants, the common barkeep, and even representatives of a Native American tribe join forces to battle the alien scouting expedition for if they depart Earth, more will soon arrive.  To aid in saving this planet comes a "white hatted" alien who takes human form and eventually makes the ultimate sacrifice of death in performing a demolition "cleansing act."

Spirituality and a connection to our planet serves as a backdrop for the screenplay and actions of the characters.  Times were harsh, boundaries and behaviors often crude, but underlying many people existed a courage and awareness of others, and life in general.   It's an action-packed story and reminded me of my personal search for meaning, comprehension, and belief systems after my own excursion through the bowels of the Twilight Zone with a narcissist/psychopath and his mirroring clan.

How much a part does spirituality play with us in today's humanity - if we are as some suggest, at loggerheads with an evolutionary offshoot within the parameters of psychopathy?  We who are recovering the onslaught to our senses of the wall of absence of empathy may well discover that spirituality exists even when religion has faltered.  As with the Native Americans in the movie, there exists something beyond self in living.  There are rituals and traditions that bind us within the varying bands of humanity and even when we feel adrift, the rituals may trigger memories of ages past where real magic existed (Michael Cremo).  This may be enough for this moment in time where those of us on our personal quests to right our life paths seek some mooring point.  

Looking at my altered perceptions and failing to trust my awareness...in everyday excursions...

This post deals with my comprehension of my own evaluations and the need for validation as I work with myself on this leg of my journey away from the insane asylum of life with a narcissist/psychopath.  In my entrepreneurial work with some elderly clientele, I dealt with a lovely wheelchair bound lady.  Just beginning to work with her as a bath aide, I was shocked and a bit shaken by a sudden change in her strength as I transferred her from wheelchair to shower chair.  As I was introduced to her, she talked of using the transfer board, however, with my first visit which was to occur weekly, I became aware that she could not use a disabled arm for support or pulling motion.  She required being lifted from wheelchair to shower chair.

With the second visit, I became acutely aware of declining strength and even a sense of lack of caring for the process from my client.  With no previous time with this special person, I tried to communicate with her long time housekeeper who provided transportation, errands, grocery shopping, and general housekeeping but  on a bi-weekly basis.  I must have come across as addled and my upset was not understanding the situation for the lady and the physical needs that had changed.  The charming housekeeper decided she would take the lady to the doctor, maneuvering her wheelchair to car and into and out of the doctor's office.  The lady seemed totally upbeat and made the trek with enthusiasm - indicating that my perceptions had been unfounded.

I was stumped and shaken because I simply didn't "get" what was occurring.  I share this because this experience highlights much of my "recuperation" from life in the aftermath of a narcissist/psychopath.

Looking back, I finally see that I'm not insane and that what I felt was occurring now makes imminent sense.

The lovely lady had been with her senior companion of an agency for this purpose for over a decade.  As I had just begun my work with her, this kind gentleman fell ill and as he continued to come for visits and to do small household jobs and errands, his health sloped into a downward spiral.  The lady began to talk to me about her two now deceased spouses, and how this gentleman and she had become much more than the roles of senior citizen and "senior companion."  They had become friends and much more than that.  As she expressed to me, in another time and place they might have shared a kiss and even marriage.

When trying to evaluate with the housekeeper because there was no family known to me with whom I could speak, the housekeeper felt I was mistaken.  And a subsequent trip to the dentist found the lady more energetic with the chauffeuring housekeeper .  So, it appeared my evaluations came from no sound basis.

Learning to look, comprehend, and even communicate differently after the ordeal with my own psychological  trek into no-man's land, I see that I turned inward, questioning my own abilities to perceive.  I sought agreement in some form.  And while on this point of shifting sand, I became more emotional.  No wonder I appeared as a "nutter"...I sought an answer and failed to understand that situations are viewed from experiential points of observation.

For a while, I wanted to have the housekeeper understand what I had seen, but that is unnecessary.  Now, looking back over these few short months, I DO understand the precipitated changes in the lovely lady and that my own compassion and evaluations were on the mark.

Well, I went home and finally had to concede that I could not correct my computer to find the fix necessary to stop the constant restarting.  It seems to have nothing to do with the antivirus software, but in Windows itself.


So - I used the dreaded F11 key and took the old gal back to factory specifications with a date of 2004.  Amazing...it was time consuming and I lost my files, BUT I can get online and create documents.


This reminded me of my life in the aftermath of the narcissist/psychopath.  Starting over.  I am surely not the same.  Humorously, and if I understand the mechanics of programs, one never really ERASES anything...it is simply over-written so many times that the program cannot be read.  That strikes a chord with me.  Re-writing my Present and letting go to the best of my ability the "programs I had tried to upload" in the face of my incredulity...and with all my baggage of "super glue traits" (S. Brown).  


My belief systems used to include a "what if" regarding "changing history" by thinking it so.  haha!  God Bless you, Betty LaLuna in your "think yourself into a dental practice."  This ALWAYS makes me smile from ear to ear!


There is a line from one of the Star Trek movies where Captain Kirk tells Spock's brother, "Don't erase the pain from my memory - it has gone into making me who I am today."  I surely suspect this one is right on the mark!

Sandra L. Brown's latest article on the degrees of pathological behavior

I find that I, myself, have changed quite drastically in the way I look at life and communicate.  It appears from my perspective that all around me are full of attempts to manipulate....especially in the self-employment realm.  But what distresses me is my response...and even after all this, I still automatically try to "make it all OK."  Odd, because the slightest attempts at manipulation genuinely "set my anger" on auto-run.

In working with elderly clients, I have found many utterly delightful...many who need so much and simply can't afford it...and many whose family members (if well heeled) demand much...partially it appears that they want to "give freely to help the loved one" and for another reason, to appear beneficent. 

I recognize that I am coming from a strange land in this recovery.  I need very much to work on "just being me from the gut outward."  I find that being in a service industry causes me stress and the levels are amazingly high. 

Choosing to work with the elderly - because there was a need for this and money available for developing my little business to put food on the table...and a little extra - was probably not the best plan for me, personally.  My personality and perspectives have changed after being so used by my ex-narcissist/psychopath's mother.  Demands and a black hole of never ending need.  So, I am having to restructure my little enterprise...more toward solitary cleaning perhaps. 

I heard a tidbit on a Law and Order, Criminal Intent show talking about Asperger's Syndrome.  There was much empathy for the "sufferer" and little was told about what happens to those serving this folks.  The lack of empathy of the patient is much like psychopathy...  It will be interesting to have more data on the interconnectedness of all these illnesses and "stops along the psychological continuum."

In looking at myself in the midst of these little situations - and they are very small, but to me they FEEL huge - I see that I still have a LONG WAY to go in becoming more like the me I wish to cultivate.  I feel quite the misfit in many ways....and suspect this is part of the process.

I reread bits and pieces of Dr. Robert Hare's Without Conscience.  Sometimes lacking care looks a bit appealing.  This convoluted experience and the relationship with psychopaths takes a toll...and it will inevitably take a toll on our social structure and belief systems.