It has been two years since the man I married, now my ex-spouse - quite unceremoniously dumped me. Married for three years plus some time before "the event" of dis-valued discarding, I played a martyr in the hope that I could attain his love and that of his family using that role.
I believe my ex to be a narcissist/psychopath...somewhere on the continuum between the two descriptions. Allowing myself to be used and manipulated and pretty much "left for dead" was a devastating experience with catastrophic financial overtones. BUT I did survive. I have survived...am surviving...AND MORE. I am rejoining the land of living and refocused choice.
This has proven a tough and anguish-filled road to travel with charred and barren landscape of my hopes and dreams as I entered the marriage at the ripe old age of 54. I use the colorful adjectives to let you know the depth of upset into which I catapulted. Life in the clan became a prison of sorts in the fashion of relationship Stockholm Syndrome and although I could not comprehend my part in the grand performance at the time, I did make choices - thinking I'd win "my love" and the appreciation of all.
Smiling kindly as I look at that, I can see that my choices and plans weren't evil, but surely were not beneficial for me and my own needs. I required these two years to replay the sadness and disillusionment and to pull every ounce of emotional angst out of the production within my memory. Time is to me, the GREAT Healer. And now I look at the passage of days, months, and years with energy directed toward a future on this timeline.
If Lynne McTaggart is correct with her book, The Field, altering the past exists as a possibility. Perhaps not the events themselves, but the affective viewpoints of consciousness. When the stinging blast of heartache begins to fade and life can once again bring us 360 degrees into our next leg of the journey, how much do we need to "remember" and offer discourse for the "education " of others? I feel that's entirely an individual's call. For me, the past serves as an incorporation of the present me...in a line from the Star Trek movie, "The Final Frontier," Captain Kirk tells Spock's brother not to remove his memories of pain - "they made me who I am today."
Whether people believe that the oddity and alien presence of psychopaths is a psychological disorder or a human evolutionary deviation, we who are of the "believers" in emotional energy and the "light" of awareness will right ourselves. This journey of ours offers the unique characteristic of hopeful expectation and creativity on our own easels of living. We can lend a hand to others along the path and still move forward. Camaraderie offers many new colors for an individual's palette.
I like Nassim Haramein's idea that the blueprint for our reality is written in 2-D format on the exterior of a sphere and our experiences of this plane are the 3-D hologram within the bulb. We have fleshed the map of instructional guide and given it flavor and meaning. So, even if there is nothing beyond this Now, we make a difference - that in itself adds a new spherical dimension as we work on our personal existences, permitting us to create our own spherical realities.
For my present moment, I have found the brain layout viewed in scans of the frontotemporal region to be indicative of "humanity's best" referencing of soul and emotion. I was working on a cabinet and whacked my head in that very area. Life is going better. Is there a connection? For whatever reason along this highway of time in healing, I am once more enjoying the trip. Everyday ups and downs, awareness of the high's as well as tragedies, and a connection to something wondrous makes me feel that "who is doing the viewing" and I are once again riding the current together. It was tough to let go (Jonathan Livingston Seagull)...even of the jarringly desolate landscape...and to flounder down the river of this rushing white-water current. Now that I can breathe again and find ways to keep my head above the energy of this river, I can join the adventure. "Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go." (T.S. Eliot) I love Eliot...and I'm home within me.
Life is a roller coaster,ups, down, breath-taking, frieghtening and then, as you level off, a quick jerk can take you into an altogether other direction than you anticipated.So it goes for most of us; the ride is hard but, would we really change places with the people whose lives seem to be carosels?Round and round, they know what's coming and nothing exciting happens, good or bad, life is good, feelings are numb.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry for the heatache you have been through,(and the bump on the head!), but I like you for your relenntless search for truth and depth, your sensitivity and the fact thatyou have kept your heart when mny others would have become embittered. Keep moving forward!
Thank you for the comment, Tonette. So many of us have taken this route, haven't we????? (grin)You, too, are a truth seeker...and I am so excited about your upcoming play!!!!
DeleteJonathan Livingston Seagull! You went there Becky...LOL when I was in college we had this assignment it was an acting class, and I had already studied theater, this was for an Associates in Radio and Television and having had a much more challenging background in acting than my peers I was a bit 'full of myself' and so decided that I did not have to practice acting out the scene while my partner read aloud...so I simply gave it a once over, and went my merry way, might have even spent the night playing passout with my dorm mates...it was a time that was carefree....there is one paragraph in that story the sticks out in my mind, you inspired me to re-read it; however, I remembered "Vertical Dive" I remember vertical dive because of my 'winging' it - no pun intended...I imagined a good seagull would have flapping wings, and so in a very big bold move, rather than be limited to the stage, I decided that the 'audience' would be captivated by my using the entire auditorium which would include 'flying' up and down the aisles...(Note: Don't do this when hungover)...I digress, on the line: "He brought his forewings tightly into his body, left only the narrow swept daggers of his wingtips extended into the wind and fell into a vertical dive" on "vertical dive," I tripped and fell skidded on my knees and got a slight carpet burn on my face. Of course my 'audience' thought this was a brilliant display of bringing a character to life, and of course to save face despite the pain in my knee and humiliation...every good trained actress knows that when you make an error you keep going, and so I don't know how this happened because my knees were killing me, but my adrenaline kicked in and I continued to push through and 'fly' across the auditorium until it was all over. The crowd cheered and there were whistles too...I even got an A! No one knew I tripped and fell, nor did they know my humiliation...until today...LOL - that being said...the experience you share certainly does correlate with Jonathan Livingston Seagull, and it is clear like me, in that auditorium where I slipped fell and busted my hiney...you have learned how to handle that 'vertical dive' and have had victory with the utmost of strength, beauty and grace...
ReplyDeleteBetty, I so love your humor and take on life - even at your own expense....it's what makes you such a valuable teacher! I know the falling and banging yourself up was painful - boy! there's a HUGE parallel there - but YOU DO always make things and life as a whole BETTER! YOU have indeed found your calling!!!
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